Separate But Equal

When it comes to midnight movies I support segregation. As a young man growing up in a small town I was ridiculed for my interests and pastimes. You see, I was a Geek. I was a comic book reading, Dungeons & Dragons playing, super hero watching kinda guy. A Geek. And I took a lot of flack for it. It took me some time, thousands of dollars in therapy and not a little bit of medication to come to grips with the fact that this is who I am. I am not an athlete. I do not enjoy talking about, watching or participating in sports. I do not understand fashion. I do not understand spending huge amounts of money and time on clothes, shoes and accessories. And I sure as heck do not understand women.

I’ve played countless video games, I know all the captains of the USS Enterprise, I know what color light saber a Jedi carries as opposed to a Sith, I’ve attended multiple comic book and gaming conventions, I own cartoon movies that belong to me and not my children, and I’ve invented my own gaming scenarios. I am a Geek. I’ve paid my dues to society. I’ve taken my licks and now that Geeks are in the mainstream I’m a bit peeved.

I’m a little angry that the general public is absorbing my culture as if they’ve always lived it. It feels somehow cheap and lazy for them to take something that was never accepted when I was doing it, but is now the newest thing and it’s all fine. But I guess I can learn to deal. But here’s the thing, I don’t really like people wearing comic book t-shirts unless they’ve read, and preferably owned, that particular comic book title. I don’t really like it when people are talking about superhero movie characters like they’ve always known them. I don’t really like kids playing D&D like it’s something new and who have never heard of Thac0 or Gary Gygax. I don’t really like it when people dress up like their favorite characters and go to the movies. All of these things feel ike they belong to me because I have always done them.

But I would be willing to forgive all of these little offenses if I could get one thing. People should not be allowed to attend a midnight screening of any geeky movie unless they can pass the test that comes before it. You don’t get to participate in the coolest night that that particular movie is showing, unless you can show that you deserve it. You have to pass a test to attend. There, I’ve said it, and I’m not sorry. I think you have a right to see the movie, just not with me. for the past thirty-five years I’ve been abused and taunted for my likes and hobbies. Now, I’m saying it out loud – when it comes to midnight showings, I’m better than you. If you can’t pass my test, then you are not my equal and should not be allowed to enjoy the wonder and novelty of the midnight showing.

So, if you’re attending a midnight showing that involves a comic book character you had better be able to tell me who has written and drawn that character in the past and who your favorite writer and artist is. At the very least you have to know the difference between DC and Marvel. Please don’t talk to me about Spiderman and Batman, or Wonder Woman and Hulk, unless you’re ready to talk about some really obscure crossovers. You should be able to tell me about the hero’s different incarnations. You had better be able to tell me how their costumes went through differing changes and what team, if any, that they’ve belonged to. And you as sure as heck better be able to name and identify the actual characters in the movie and their relationship with the title character. Comic book movies are finally coming into their own and I don’t want just anyone sitting next to me at midnight.

If you are coming to a Star Wars movie you had better know the difference between the original movies and Episodes I-III. You had better be able to tell me what metaclurians are and why they are so lame. If you want to attend a Star Wars movie with me you better understand where this movie fits in with all the other movies and whether or not the storyline is approved or not. And if you want to dress like a character in the movie you better be able to tell me more than their name; you had better be able to tell me how they fit in with the storyline and how they integrate into the greater arc. You had also better be able to talk to me about Lucas and his role in creating the series. You should also be able to tell me the basic histories of all the major characters and how they interrelated. Star Wars is a defining force for Geeks and it shouldn’t be viewed on the first night by newbies.

If you are seeing a Star Trek movie you had better know the odd/even rule. You should know how many captains came before and after Shatner. You should know the difference between a Klingon and a Romulan and which one of them can cloak their ships. You should know what DS9 means. You should know what the Federation is and why there is a Prime Directive and its purpose. Star Trek is vital to our culture; you should be able to compare and contrast technology in the series with actual technology today and how it came about. And for crying out loud, if you can’t tell me what a Red Shirt is, then you have no business sitting next to me and sharing my air.

There are countless other franchises and names that have a Geek connection. I don’t have time to explain everything you need to know for each one. In fact, if you don’t know already know what is necessary for entrance into this unique fraternity then don’t even try. It’s too late. Please don’t ask me about my Wolverine tattoo and make yourself look like the freaking idiot you are by saying something like, “Hey, he looks just like the guy in the movie.” Or show up to a Bond movie dressed like 007 carrying a wine glass. I mean seriously. It’s embarrassing for us, and it just makes you look stupid.

I don’t show up to your tailgate parties, dressed in a brand new red jersey to the Jets game, spouting statistics and years that I’ve just recently memorized. I don’t try and figure out the difference between a first down and a double-header. I wear my normal clothes and I watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. It’s foolish for me to try and become you; so please, for all that’s good and holy, don’t try and be me. I’ve worked my whole life to be this Geeky and quite frankly you might have the knowledge, but you sure as heck don’t have the experience. Not only do you have to like this stuff, but you have to be ridiculed for several years before you qualify for being Geek. Most of us have decades of being ridiculed behind us. I have a lifetime of knowledge when it comes to ridicule. Don’t show up to my midnight showing, one of the few things Geeks really have going for them, and pretend you’re me. you’re not.

Take my test. If you pass it, you’re free to sit and enjoy the flick. But if you can’t pass it, and I mean with flying colors, then you’re still allowed to see it - just not with me. You see, I want you to think that we are equals, but it’s just better if we keep it separate, that way you won’t feel awkward around me and I won’t have to point our all your obvious flaws when it comes to things Geeky. But here’s the catch. You used to be in power. It used to be important that I couldn’t quote who the fastest running back was. Now, it’s my turn. If you don’t know the difference between Norton’s Hulk and Bana’s Hulk; if you won’t know why Spiderman 3 sucked, or what J.J. Abrahams is doing with Star Trek; if you don’t know about Watchmen and the Spirit, then it’s you that will look the fool. It is the Age of the Geek, and soon you will understand what it means to be ridiculed for liking something as ridiculous as football. But for now, enjoy your status.