Long Lost Friend

A few years ago, maybe even ten now, I had a really good friend. She wasn’t like me or my family. She was different. She wasn’t overly religious; she had no problem speaking her mind, even when that meant offense; truth to her was the most sacred thing in her life. She lived on the dark side. She read things, thought about things, talked about things that I had never read, thought or talked about. She scared me a little. She was self-assured and articulate. She had a shaved head and a tattoo or three. She knew her own worth and stood up for herself. She didn’t accept the answers that were given to her by anyone. She questioned everyone. She was ballsy and I really admired her.

I’m not really sure what happened but we drifted apart. I think it may have been my self-important, condescending attitude that overly religious people tend to have. I felt like she was lacking because she didn’t have my God in her life. Somehow, maybe self consciously I thought she was less of a person. I don’t remember every really drilling her about it, but I remember a specific time. We sat at a restaurant and I had this corny kids book – something about You’re Worth Something Special Kid – or something like that. I read her the whole book, the whole thing, right there in the restaurant and told her She Was Worth Something Special To Me Too. And then I gave her the book. Maybe she was fine with it. I don’t know.

But I look back on that event and I feel somehow embarrassed. Not that I believe in God. I’m not embarrassed about that. And I do feel that people who don’t believe in God are lacking something that I have. I know that sounds condescending, but I really feel like people who believe in something greater than themselves have fuller lives. I’m not talking about Christians, or Muslims or Hindus. I’m only talking about people who see the world as bigger than it actually is. Who believe that there is Something. A Force, if you will, that looks out after us, that cares for us. And that belief feels somehow stronger than I am. But it’s not because of our differences in beliefs.

I think it was the way I handled things. I somehow came across as condescending. And maybe by my very nature, the very beliefs I have, I can’t help but be condescending to someone like her. But I don’t want to be that way. I can accept anyone’s belief, as long as it doesn’t harm others. I can respect someone who wears socks in the shower, I just feel like they’re missing the bigger experience. And I will, for as long as I know them, talk about how great it feels to be bare foot in the soapy warm water. Until my dieing days.

Anyway, she called the other day. From out of the blue she contacted us and said she would like to get together. She moved from here. She’s married and is pregnant. She has long, beautiful hair. I wonder what she’s like now? I wonder what’s changed and what’s the same? I noticed on her personal information on the web it said, “Atheist”. So that’s the same. But so is my belief in God.

What hasn’t changed is she isn’t satisfied with the answers given to her. She is an arguer and a thinker. I got that from her. I admire her for that. She wants her answers to be her own, not someone else’s. And that’s what I want too. I hope that since we’ve been apart we’ve grown wiser and more careful. I hope she’s forgiven me for my stupid, plodding way of telling her my way is better. She never tried to pluck God from my sky to help me be a better person. Live a fuller life. Interesting. She was satisfied with both of us believing what we wanted, while I wasn’t. I think that’s why I liker her. She was a loosely wound ball of contradictions. A character in a novel she was. Which makes me a character too. I hope that the ending is good.