Stars in Her Sky

I had this plan. I think only part of the plan was conscious; the other part was subconsciously formulated as she grew up. I kept my plan secret even from myself because I knew how lucky I was. Deep down I always feared this might happen because I knew that it was extraordinary and few other dad’s had ever had this happen to them. You see, my daughter Aubrie likes me. I've always been lucky that way. She really and honestly likes me. We are best friends. She comes to be about all kinds of things. Until recently when she became a full blown teenager. She’s been a teenager for three years now – she’s sixteen. But now she’s in full Teenager Mode. But that was always part of the plan.

You see my plan was that our relationship would always stay the same, even while she changed. I would always be her best friend. She would always come to me. As she grew up through high school, college, marriage and kids, she and I would always confide in one another. I would always be the one guiding her home through the darkness. She wouldn’t need anyone else.

But the other day, while we were sitting in church, there were some smiles shared between her and my wife. Some knowing glances and soft laughter, an arched eyebrow or two, and some gentle head nods in my direction. I was out of the loop and it was the first signs of my dream clouding over. I just didn’t recognize it at the time. Aubrie had someone else. In fact, she had two someone else’s. Turns out she fancied a boy that went to our church. She thought he was cute and nice. And he thought the same of her. I’ll admit there was jealousy. A new boy in my daughters life; it was hard. But more than that, my wife had known before me. And not for a few minutes, but for two weeks! They had been commiserating for two full weeks about this boy and I had been left completely out of the picture. I was stunned.

I teach psychology. I understand about developmental patterns and age-appropriate behavior. But my relationship with Aubrie has always been amazing and out of the ordinary. So I guess I always hoped that it would always continue to be out of the ordinary. That we would share everything. But as the weeks passed, and I really allowed myself to step back and look at things, I realized I was further out of the picture than I had realized. Now that her infatuation with this boy was out there he was free to come over and visit. Which he did. A lot. And I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I wasn’t super friendly. I was a bit stand-offish. He was taking my best friend. She wasn’t supposed to confide in him about stuff. And don’t even get me started on how I felt about my wife. She had supplanted me AND kept secrets from me. I was out there alone. And now my daughter had a friend-boy. She refused to call him a boyfriend. And my world was reeling.

For the next few weeks I was put on a shelf. The friend-boy was everything. So I had time to really think about how I was feeling and I guess I would have been fine if it had been contained to just these two mutineers. My wife and the friend-boy. But over the next little while my daughter had some struggles, some questions and some difficulties. And she didn’t come to me. She went away from me.

There is a woman in our neighborhood who many of the young women look to. Her last name is Starr. Her name, like her life, is appropriate. She is a beacon to everyone around her. I know she often feels overwhelmed by the questions, the concerns, the leadership that has been thrust upon her, but she is worthy of it. She is up for the challenge. I just always thought my daughter wouldn’t need to go to her because, well because, she had me. But one day I get home and my daughter is gone visiting the Starrs. She had some questions. Some concerns. And she went to Sister Starr. She shared her problems with someone else not because we weren’t home, or I wasn’t available, but because she preferred going to her. And inside I wondered what I had done wrong. I worried about what I had done to make her want to go to someone else. It was as if I were standing on the shore while she slowly sailed away.

The fact is, my daughter has a lot of Stars in her life. She has been blessed with a heaven scattered with bright jewels, each with a story to tell, advice to give and shelter to provide. She has a grandmother who has watched over her with the ferocity of her own mother – except with cookies and comfort, and a soft shoulder when her parents were uncaring or insensitive. She has always loved walking the ten houses down to my mom’s house. She spends hours down there sometimes. Talking to her grandparents, helping around the house, getting to know them better than most kids ever get the opportunity to. Her grandmother is another one who she often confides in. They are the best of friends. And even though my daughter is much like me in every way, I think her grandmother likes her better than she likes me. They are close. Eternally close.

And then there is my sister Amy. We had the blessing of my sister staying in our house for a while and not only did she improve the house, with paint and paper, she loved our daughters. But mostly Aubrie. Bekah was too young to really do anything with, but Aubrie and Amy were like bosom buddies right from the start. Amy has always been like an older sister to Aubrie with the wisdom of a mother. She shines in every way for Aubrie. Even today Aubrie stays overnight at Amy’s house, calls her and asks her advice, goes clothes shopping with her and talks about dating and boys with her. Amy has always been a light in the darkness. It makes me happy to see that Aubrie is drawn toward her, even if it messes up my plan.

And then there is her mother of course. I underestimated her power – as I often do. I thought I would be the one to be there for Aubrie. How selfish of me. How silly. Aubrie needs us both. But as she grows and matures she is looking to her mom for guidance and love and she is getting it. It turns out Tambee was just waiting quietly for her turn with Aubrie. I got the first sixteen years, and Tambee will get the next sixteen. As Aubrie grows and matures into a woman she will need her mom there to show her the way to be beautiful and righteous and amazing. And there is no one better than Tambee.

Part of the plan was that I would be a teacher at the high school both my daughters went to. But the plan didn’t work out. I’m somewhere else while they are going to school without their dad close by. Every morning when I drop Aubrie off there is a little twinge of pain for not being able to park and walk into my classroom. But there is a friend where my classroom should have been. A very old friend, and he cares for my daughter as I would. He is my perfect surrogate. He cares way too much, but he believes kids are capable of greatness; he listens as a father would but then he insists you take responsibility and gives you the confidences to continue. My daughter sometimes eats lunch in his room, like she would have eaten in mine. And they talk, like we would have talked. I admit, I’m jealous sometimes. But I couldn’t think of anyone better to take my place than Tug. He is stalwart and sees things clearly. He is principled and empathetic. He waits in his classroom for my daughter, and others like her so that he can give counsel to those who are looking for a light to follow. There is no one better. He wasn’t part of my plan, but I’m glad he’s there.

You see, my plan was that Aubrie wouldn’t need anyone but her dad. We would stand shoulder to shoulder against the world and she wouldn’t need anyone but me. Despite what the psychology books say I was convinced that my daughter wouldn’t branch out, wouldn’t look to others for help and advice, and wouldn’t leave me standing on the shore. My plan is failing. She doesn’t need me like I foolishly thought she would. I need her more than she needs me. Because without her I am just another jewel in the night sky. She gives me meaning just by looking at me and using me as a point of reference. My plan was flawed. I misunderstood where I stood in the big picture. You see, she is not here for me. I am here for her. I am a beacon for her amongst a sky of beacons. I do my best to shine all the time and maybe she needs me and maybe she doesn’t. I will guide her on some journeys, while others will guide her at other times. Clouds will not deter her because there is always some star visible. We are here for her. She has a house full of stars, a neighborhood full of stars, a world full of stars. She is guided by a heaven full of stars. She can’t count them all – the stars in her sky. She’s lucky that way.